When Love Turns Into Control: How Domestic Abuse Hides Behind Faith

At first, it seemed like love, prayer together, shared devotion, promises of faithfulness under God. But slowly, that love began to change. The warmth of care turned into cold control. The voice that once spoke scripture now used it as a weapon. For many men and women, this is what domestic abuse looks like when it hides behind faith.

Domestic abuse doesn’t always start with raised voices or visible bruises. Sometimes, it begins with the misuse of spiritual language, where God’s name becomes the mask for manipulation. And because the relationship is framed as “godly,” many victims stay silent, believing endurance is the holy choice.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner violence in their lifetime, proving that abuse doesn’t discriminate by gender, faith, or role. It thrives in silence, and faith-based communities are not exempt from that silence.

How Control and Fear Creep into “Godly” Relationships

It doesn’t happen overnight. In fact, control often comes disguised as protection, care, or leadership. What starts as genuine love can slowly turn into spiritual bondage when one partner begins to hold power instead of share it.

Below are some of the subtle ways control takes root under the cover of faith:

• Spiritual Authority Misused When one partner claims spiritual superiority, saying things like “God told me what’s best for us”, it can silence the other’s voice. This isn’t leadership; it’s domination disguised as divine guidance.

• Isolation in the Name of Purity or Unity Abusers may cut their partner off from family or friends, insisting that “no one else understands our spiritual bond.” What they’re really doing is ensuring their control goes unchecked.

• Scripture as a Weapon Verses about submission, obedience, or forgiveness get twisted to maintain power. But the Bible was never meant to chain hearts, it was meant to free them.

• Fear Masquerading as Reverence When love becomes something you fear to lose, that’s not love, it’s control. The moment someone begins to worship peace over truth, manipulation thrives.

The Bible tells us plainly:

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.”, 1 John 4:18

God’s design for love is rooted in freedom and mutual respect, not domination or fear. If love begins to demand your silence or sacrifice your dignity, it’s no longer godly, it’s abusive.

Recognizing Manipulation Disguised as Love or Leadership

Abuse often starts with charisma. The person may appear caring, protective, even deeply spiritual. But underneath, manipulation takes shape in subtle, calculated ways:

A partner may praise you in public but criticize you relentlessly in private. They might make every disagreement a moral issue, making you feel like you’re the one rebelling against God. Over time, you start doubting your discernment, your worth, even your faith.

You tell yourself, “Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe if I prayed harder, things would get better.” That’s exactly how spiritual manipulation works, it replaces partnership with hierarchy and wraps control in the language of love.

The tragedy is that both men and women can fall into this trap, as victims or as abusers. When faith is twisted into a tool for dominance, it distorts God’s image in both the oppressor and the oppressed. Healing, therefore, isn’t just about leaving an abuser; it’s about untangling your faith from fear and rediscovering what divine love actually looks like.

Healing After Faith-Based Abuse: Finding God Beyond the Pain

Healing from faith-based domestic abuse is one of the most complex and sacred journeys a person can take. Because the wound isn’t just emotional, it’s spiritual. Below are five ways survivors can begin walking toward healing and wholeness:

1. Acknowledge the Truth, Without Spiritual Guilt

Abuse thrives in denial. Many believers hesitate to name it because they fear dishonoring their marriage or appearing unfaithful. But acknowledging abuse isn’t rebellion, it’s repentance from accepting lies. God’s heart is for truth. When Jesus confronted injustice, He didn’t call it submission; He called it sin. Speaking the truth is not turning away from God, it’s walking closer to Him.

2. Separate God’s Voice from the Abuser’s Voice

One of the hardest parts of recovery is distinguishing God’s voice from the manipulator’s. Abusers often use scripture to justify control, leaving victims spiritually confused. Healing begins when you realize: God’s voice brings peace, not fear; freedom, not pressure. The Holy Spirit convicts, He never condemns. Go back to the Word with fresh eyes and see His love without your abuser’s commentary.

3. Rebuild in Safe Community

Healing cannot happen in isolation. Many survivors have been conditioned to keep secrets, especially in church settings that value image over honesty. But God uses community as a lifeline, not a courtroom. Safe spaces, trauma-informed counseling, and support groups allow survivors to process their pain without judgment.

 Remember, even Jesus sought comfort from friends in His darkest hour.

4. Restore the Image of God in Yourself

Abuse distorts identity. It tells you that you’re weak, unworthy, unlovable, all lies that contradict God’s truth. Healing involves reclaiming your identity as God’s masterpiece. You are not defined by what happened to you, but by the One who calls you beloved. The scars may remain, but they no longer define your worth.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”, Psalm 147:3

5. Seek Faith-Based Counseling and Professional Help

Domestic abuse leaves both emotional and spiritual wounds that require professional care. A counselor who understands both trauma and faith can help you navigate the confusion between obedience and oppression. Healing doesn’t mean you must go back, it means you move forward with wisdom, safety, and renewed strength. God often uses trained counselors to rebuild what fear destroyed. Don’t carry the weight alone.

Final Words

If you’ve recognized yourself somewhere in these words, whether as the one being hurt, or even as the one who has caused harm, know this: God’s grace is big enough for your healing.

Love was never meant to suffocate, control, or destroy. Real love, the kind God designed, sets both hearts free.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, please don’t stay silent. Faith on the Journey has faith-based counselors ready to walk beside you, gently, confidentially, and prayerfully. You don’t have to carry this alone.

Start your healing journey today: Schedule a free informational session

Because God’s love never controls, it redeems.